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Cameron Diaz

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This little gem popped up in my newsfeed last week:

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Think about it: Toddlers have it all figured out. On any given day, a toddler can be found doing inspiring things like commanding attention in public places, eating vegetables out of pouches, and wearing tutus to formal events. A toddler dresses for the job she wants (doctor, superhero, princess, sea witch), not the job she has (toddler). She romps in rompers. She jumps in jumpers. She sports jelly shoes with socks, and she doesn`t care if you like it.

It may indeed be marvelous to be a toddler, but that does not mean you should dress like one especially if you are older than, say, 5.(I`m talking to you, first-graders. No one in elementary school will take you seriously if everything you own has Dora the Explorer on it. Dora has grown up and so should you.)

Also, toddlers need to get over themselves. If there`s one thing those little attention mongers don`t need, it`s more press.Once again, moms have gotten the shaft.Because weare clearly the ones who have had the biggestinfluence on today`s fashion trends, not that anyone has called to thank us for it.

And so, on behalf of overlooked moms everywhere, I bring you mommycore.

From messy, food-encrusted ponytails to sweatpants for all occasions, it`s never been cooler to look like a mom. Here are some of our favorite trends:

Morning-after mascara:

Smudgy, clumpy eyelashes are all the rage this season(or so Iread inNew York Magazine while attempting to tune outmy son`s demand to watchCarsfor the forty-seventh time). The Fashion Industrial Complex would have you believe that this trend is inspired by raccoon-eyed youngsters spotted during early-morning walks of shame in hipurban neighborhoods, but here`s how the look reallycame about: One daya mom foundherself with a whole two minutes to spare and, like an archaeologist discovering an ancient urn, she uneartheda long-buried mascara from the bottom of her makeup bag and went to town.It was two more days before she finally found time to remove it.

Bedhead:

Seriously, fashion people ”get your minds out of the gutter. People think this look is meant to evokea tousled, post-coital Brigitte Bardot. Wrong. Morning drop-off at daycare is a veritable catwalk of bed-headed babes who couldn`t even tell youthe last time they had sex.

Sweatpants:

Another triumph for mommycore. Based on their inclusionin the J. Crew fall preview catalog, I think it`s safe to say that sweatpants have officially been sanctioned by mainstream fashion as legitimate, wear-in-public-without-shame attire. (Note: in order for the sweatpants toqualify as fashionable I believe theyhave to be clean, and they cannot be made by Hanes or have the name of your college or universityanywhere on them.)

Hair, hair, everywhere:

Pre-stained clothing:

Artfully ripped and distressed jeans have been cool forever. Now,the pre-stained shirt is having its moment at last. Among today`shottest sellersare tops adorned with strategically placeddark patches that mimic leaked breast milk. And this season, no shoulder or lapel should be without at least one dried spit-up stain.If you`re feeling very adventurous, pair this look with a hairstyle that features matted strandsstuck together with a substanceyou`re pretty sure is food(possibly something from a squeeze pouch).

Sleep-deprivation chic

Kind of like the controversial heroin chic trend of the mid-nineties, sleep-deprivation chic has captured the imagination of fashionistas even as it draws the ire of medical professionals, educators, and other boring members of society. Featuring a combination of all or some of the looksmentioned above, sleep-deprivation chic is also virtually identical in appearance to heroin chic(minus the thinness, obviously) andis appealing only to those who are still young enough to look impossibly fresh no matter how little sleep they get.

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